Healing a Broken Heart
by Serge Kahili King
What causes heartbreak? The FUDS (Fear, Unhappiness, Doubt & Stress)
What causes the FUDS? Primarily criticism.
So, now I am going to give you an unusual idea to consider. The way to "mend a broken heart"
is to do ANYTHING that relieves the tension in the muscles involved in our reactions to the
We are most interested, of course, in ways and means that provide substantial and long term
or permanent relief. Useful short term relief can come from massage and activities that keep
you distracted, but when they are over the "heartbreak" often returns. Therefore, I am giving
you a list of healing techniques for mending broken hearts. All of them work, but you may find
some of them easier or more attractive than others, and you may want to use more than one
for better results.
1. The Mental Approach: For this one we find some way to reinterpret, reframe, or reorganize
our thoughts about the situation. For instance, some brokenhearted feelings are sustained and
reinforced by the words we use to describe the situation. Words like "betrayed," "unforgivable,"
"hurt," and "loss" when used over and over again can prevent any healing of the heart. Try
eliminating such emotionally-charged words from mental descriptions of the event and see
2. The Forgiveness Approach: Easy for some and very hard for others, true forgiveness can
provide complete relief and healing. The reason it can work is because sadness and sorrow
very often mask some degree of anger at the behavior of another person (even when the
"behavior" consists of passing away). True forgiveness occurs when we can remember the
situation and no longer have strong feelings of sadness, sorrow, or anger. Many ways to do this
have been presented in books and articles by myself and others.
3. The High Purpose Approach: In some cases the heart can be healed by engaging oneself
deeply in good works, things that one truly believes are good and worthy. Distraction activity
and following someone else's idea of a high purpose are not good enough. Doing good only
works when we believe that what we are doing is more important than what happened.
4. The Present Moment Approach: Bad memories are a terrible place to live in. The more time
we spend with them the worse we feel, and the more we lose touch with the goodness around
us and positive potentials for the future. Curiously, the same thing happens when we try to live
only in positive memories. In that case we end up resisting the present and get the same bad
effects. On the other hand, it isn't beneficial to try and live only in the present, especially when
we make our awareness of the present too narrow. I recommend living MOSTLY in the present
as fully as you can. This means with sight, sound, touch, action, and reaction. When you are as
fully in the present as you can be, the past ceases to exist, and the heart is healed.
5. The Love Approach: This one has two parts, the Personal and the Social. The Personal part
is about self esteem. Another curious thing is that the better we feel about ourselves, the faster
our hearts are healed. Some broken hearts are accompanied by guilt, so self forgiveness is
important here. If that exists and is taken care of, the most important thing becomes self love,
which means positive self acknowledgment, self appreciation, and - dare we say it? - self
admiration. Of course, are talking about the real deal here. Building ourselves up by putting
others down, and pretending to like ourselves are ways that just don't work.
The Social part has to do mostly with the person involved in the situation that produced the
broken heart, but can be applied to anyone else with good effect. Basically, ALL you have to do
is to acknowledge, appreciate, or admire anything good you can think about in regard to that
person. The more good things the better, but if you can only begin with one thing and keep
repeating it, start with that anyway. It may sound crazy, but the more this can be done, the
faster the heart will heal.
6. The Personal Power Approach: The healing of a broken heart can often come about when
you are fully engaged in work that you knew how to do well. This is self confidence based on
skill, the most powerful kind of personal power there is. Comparison with the skill of others
depletes personal power, so leave that out. You can start by acknowledging, appreciating, and
admiring any skill you currently have and refusing to say to yourself that it isn't good enough.
You can also learn new skills, big or small, and as you do your self confidence increases, as
long as you give value to what you can do and to yourself as an individual. As with the other
approaches, the greater your self confidence, the faster your heart can heal.
7. The Be Willing To Try Anything Approach: We don't really know how we will respond to a
heart-healing approach, especially one that sounds odd, until we try it. Exercise will work for
some. Acupuncture for others. A change of diet or location may work for still others. If you
want to try a really different technique for healing hearts that really works, I suggest The
Dynamind Technique. On the other hand, you can always resort to the most commonly used
technique in the whole wide world. It works for many people, even though it may take a very
long time and the process itself may be quite uncomfortable. It's called "Wait until your heart
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